I'm Voting My Unconcious

Ethel Says: If you don't have the IQ of a dishrag, then it's best if you don't exercise your right to vote. Leave it to the mildly intelligent or at least the post cro-magnum man. That's the problem we've got now. Too damn many idiots voted for someone as stupid as they are and somehow put an absolute boob in the White House. Stay home, don't vote, and don't let it happen again. Now get out of here, your insignificance is beginning to nauseate me... Ethel

I Need Your Recipe

Dear Ethel Meta, I once had a copy of your book The Poetry of Recipe but lost it when Hurricane Katrina wiped away my family and all my life's possessions. You had the most elegant recipe for Potato Salad I have ever tasted. I would kill for that potato salad, but unfortunately I don't own a weapon. Can you please reprint that world famous recipe? Hankerin' in Houston


My Poor Dimwitted Hankerin', That book was a book of poems and not actual recipes. I can't believe you could be so stupid as to serve anything in that book to anyone. I hope they weren't your friends, If they were they probably have deserted you by now. It was only meant to be a trashy attempt at art. I'll reprint the POEM here, but do not try to make this as a side dish.
Spud Salad Sunday
I grow my own potatoes
I grow them all by hand
I pick the ripest swelling roots
I peel them all by hand
I make my own undressing
With vinegar and eggs
I add a little sugar
Until the old man begs
And just as he's about to launch
Into a last tirade
I capture hell man's essence
And call it mayonnaise

Hankerin': Pay attention you misfitting boob. You are one sick cookie and I hope you never invite me to one of your dinner parties. Now get the hell off the internet and get yourself into some family therapy! Do it now before you come down with the herpes. Ethel Meta

My Ungrateful Pet

Dear Ethel Meta, I have a 10 year old female cat that seems to be getting forgetful. She used to watch CSI Miami with me every week, but lately she forgets it's on and often sleeps right through it. I know she's older and more mature, but I'm just so attached to my 'Smokey Girl'. What's an old lady to do to get that spark back into our life? Widow from Wacoma

Dear Pathetic Widow, Now you listen up and you listen good! Your stupid cat is probably bored with you and your lame attraction to CSI Miami. Try tuning into Law and Order SVU. It has more decapitations per season, kinkier sex, and more gratuitous deviance than a bake-off at the fat farm. I watch it and I can smell good smut when I see it. If the cat is still reluctant to watch, even a little bit, have her put down. PCP will take a cat out like a candle in a hurricane. Just thinking about it makes me want to snap my fingers in a nano-second! Now get the hell off my blog, get a man, annoy someone else with your drivel, and enjoy your visit to the vet. Ethel Meta

Dear Ethel, What's your secret ingredient for your World Famous Pecan Pie?

Dear Ethel, while I was visiting your home state of Indiana I was lucky enough to stop at a dining establishment that featured your World Famous Pecan Pie. It was without a doubt the richest most delicious pecan pie I have ever experienced. The owner said that you had a secret family recipe that has been handed down for generations. Any possibility that you would share your secret? Pie Lover in Milwaukee

Dear Pie Lover, Due to contractural concerns and patent protection I am unable to offer you any information. However, I will give you a two word hint. Frosted Trees. Good luck now and get the hell on with your life. Ethel Meta